Scottish humour
- How much does a shampoo bottle cost in Japan ? One "pantene" (one pound ten with the japanese accent)
- Why is E.T. (the estraterrestrial) short ? Because he's got short legs....
- Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called and you left your wheelchair there again!"
- A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100.
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, Bathurst1000, cricket, supermodels, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He returns, the robot serves him and asks,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly.
So................iyi gonnae follow The Celtic again this year?"
- Why is E.T. (the estraterrestrial) short ? Because he's got short legs....
- Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called and you left your wheelchair there again!"
- A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100.
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, Bathurst1000, cricket, supermodels, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He returns, the robot serves him and asks,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly.
So................iyi gonnae follow The Celtic again this year?"